How To: Perfect Prime Rib

I'm sitting at my table with a fork, knife and Diet Pepsi, enjoying the best prime rib I've ever eaten. Truth be told, it's the best meat I've ever had, period. I thought I'd share with you the steps it takes to prepare prime rib like the succulent morsel I'm enjoying today:

1. Take the five-pounds of prime rib you received for Christmas out of the freezer. You know? The one you stuffed in the back because you had no idea how to cook?

2. Let thaw for five minutes: one minute per pound of meat.

3. While waiting for meat to thaw, ignite your barbeque grill. You know? The one you have no idea how to light?
*Helpful Hint: don't follow direction on the front of barbeque that says to turn gas, as well as front burner, to High. You may have white flakes fall off your eyebrows if you do.

4. After you've completed steps one through three, look up "can you barbeque prime rib?" to make sure this is something you can do. You will find great tips on many things besides barbequeing prime rib. You will find just enough information to know that, barbequeing prime rib appears to be something people have done before. Through your light reading, you will also notice something that suggests you cook large slabs of meat at 500 degrees. Note this.

5. Once you have done your research, take your thawing prime rib out to the grill, along with the exciting spices you've selected to flavor your meat: iodized salt, Lawry's Seasoned Salt, and McCormick pepper.

6. Your grill should be ready. The thermometer on the face of your grill should read 500 degrees.
*Helpful Hint: Your grill may be old and produce inconsistent flame. If this is the case, place your icy prime rib on the fieriest place on the grill.

7. Salt and pepper to taste.

8. This is the easy part. You wait. You may have other preparations to make for your meal. If you do, now is the time.

9. In ten minutes or so, you will want to flip your meat.
*Helpful Hint: You may want to use a flame-resistant utensil, as the grill will be extremely hot and the five pounds of meat will be heavy to lift with a plastic pancake flipper.

10. For that delicious char-grilled flavor, wait ten minutes or longer to flip your meat a second time. When you return, you will find that the needle of your grill thermometer now points to "HOT," and your prime rib has caught on fire.

11. Don't panic. Turn off the front and back burners, as well as the gas, and pray for memory retention on the fire prevention training you received from Officer Ken in 3rd Grade.

12. Go back to your computer to look up, "How to fight small gas fires." There, you will find great tips on fighting all kinds of fires besides gas fires. Eventually, you will find an article that confirms that turning off the gas is the most important thing to do. You will also read that you need to air out the space so the gas does not concentrate.

13. Prayerfully return to your flaming grill and open the lid to air it out. You will want to bring non-flamable utensils to remove the greasy meat from the grill once the flames subside, as well.

14. Drag your flaming prime rib off the grill and on to your plate. Take your meat into the house, thanking the Lord you still have one.

15. Cut open your blackened meat to see that the inside is still very pink. Credit your decision to thaw your meat only one minute per pound.

16. Cut off the burnt parts that are beyond redemption. While you do this, prepare a pan to grill the remainder of the meat.

17. Salt and pepper to taste.

18. Grill for three minutes.

19. No need to flip this time - the top part of your meat should be plently well done.

20. Put it on a plate and get ready to enjoy the most delicious prime rib you have ever had.


This 20-step process may seem rigorous, but I guarantee, you will not be disappointed. Not only will you have perfect prime rib; you will have a great story to tell your friends for days to come.

Change...

Shannon and Sean have resigned...or, were they forced to leave? Either way, tonight is their last night as the worship leaders at my old church - an old church with a new name. There will be no replacing them. God, help us.

Jim is no longer at Spirit. He has moved on to work at a new station as the Sales Manager there.

Connie is no longer working at Center Stage. I'm sorry to hear that, Connie...I still haven't heard why, but the change is sad to me.

I can't imagine these three places without these people. How things change. God, have mercy on these, and so many other changes.

I keep expecting something to stay the same. When will I learn?

Happy St. Patrick's Day

All this mouse talk, I didn't even get to wish you a happy St. Patrick's Day. I hope the weekend was happy, safe, and spent with those you love.

It Took a Village - Mouse in My House Part III

Five baited mouse traps, four trays of d-Con, three sticky mouse pads, two freak-out calls to my parents and grandparents, and one visit from Karl of Quik Auto Center to fill the holes under my sink with spray-foam was all it took to take care of my little mouse situation.
All that, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Who would have known what a community-building exercise a mouse-infested house could be? My boss, the on-air talent I work with, Derk from Pest Control, Pat of Kelly's Hardware, Graig from the Red Apple Market, Karl of Quik Auto, my grandparents and parents all took part in helping me take care of my rampant rodent issue.

Those mice had some good moves, but, in the end, they didn't know what they were up against. They thought they were facing one wimpy little P. They were really facing a village.

Thank you, village.

Mouse in My House Part II

...
I couldn't sleep last night.

As I was writing about my mouse just before bed, he ran out from under my bed and scurried out of my room. Gross.
I prayed that God would help me with my mouse situation; that he would give me the courage and strength to step out of bed to close my bedroom door so I wouldn't have to sleep with the fear that he'd be joining me later. One giant hop to the door to slam it shut and a dive back into bed was the best I could do.

I woke up at 2 o'clock in the morning to a sound I wasn't sure about. It took me a bit to come to my senses, but when I did, I was mortified to find that my door was open. I prayed to Jesus that it was a robber, not the mouse.

I couldn't sleep for two hours after that. I closed my eyes and felt my heart beating all the way into my throat from mouse-attack anxiety. I opened my eyes and stared at my door, cracked a quarter of the way open, wishing I had it in me to get up and close it one more time. I couldn't do that, though. What if the mouse was in my room? I'd just close him in! Gross.

My alert imagination began to drift about the mouse; my sleepy dreams battled for my attention, too. I'm not sure if I was half asleep or half awake when I thought, "I wonder if Walmart has stilts for sale? I think tomorrow I need to go buy some stilts to strap on when I come home so I don't have to worry about my mouse. Stilts rhymes with quilts. That's what the mice in my livingroom are pooping on right now. My quilts. They're probably throwing a party. Party poopers."

I could write a children's book about my mouse experience someday. For now, it's not a laughing matter. For now, I'm being held hostage in my own home by a 3.5 inch animal with over-active bowels. Gross.