Peace, People-Pleasers, and Purple People Eaters

You know what? I think it's been five years since I've regularly operated in a confident state of peace. I'm looking forward to making some changes to see that I get back to that place again.

One of the differences between these years of living outside of peace and the days when I lived inside of it is my desire to please everyone around me. When I was operating under peace, I was free from that. I only had One Judge. For the past five years or so I've had several, and I've been conditioned to believe that's okay - good, really. It hasn't taken anyone to directly say this to me to get the clear message: the better people-pleaser I became, the more money I'd make, the more success I'd find, and the quicker all my 'dreams' would come true...and isn't that what God ultimately wants for us? (NO!)
Over the past couple of months, I've realized that I've bought into this lie. I did it without realizing I'd even taken out my checkbook. I made only subtle changes, as I've never been very good at people pleasing anyway. Just a few more "yeses" here and there to please the masses; a few more "no's" to the Only One who matters, deceiving myself into thinking that He would be pleased if I was just nice to everybody and pleased everyone else, regardless of the cost (gag me).
Over five years, these subtle changes have added up to make for a lost Pauline, wandering through unsettling days filled with confusion. I don't want days like this anymore.

You know what I want? I want peace.
I want to take time to listen to the people in my life, hear them tell their stories and let them change mine.
I want to take time to call old friends who've meant the world to me and tell them how they're still changing my life.
I want to take time to sit next to the woman whose heart is breaking. I want to invite her over, buy her clothes and feed her well.
I want to sing new songs that the Lord has put on my heart to sing for Him without shame or fear that people around won't like it, or that my song's not good enough.
I want to write stories for my niece and nephew.
I want to create things that are colorful and full of beauty.
I want to be gracious and tender.
I want a soft heart that feels and desires and is passionate about what I do.
I want to inspire.
I want to set people free.
I want to live creatively.
I want to call to tell people that I love them whenever I want to.
I want to do something that's fulfilling to me at the deepest part of my soul, even if I make two pennies a day doing it.
I want to live a life that's eternal.
...You get my point.

This list of wants isn't a list I'm encouraged to make and pursue by the world I've found myself operating in today. It may be different if I was pursuing a successful career writing greeting cards or creating posters with flowers and butterflies along their borders. Besides that, though, this list is unpopular and unrealistic to a world full of *Purple People Eaters with money to make and deadlines to keep. You can understand why, for the past five years of trying to please the world AND trying to please Jesus by checking things off this list of mine, I haven't been able to find peace.
Have I found success? That would depend on your definition of success. I have found money, nice things and a small corner of the world that thinks I'm kind of neat sometimes.
For me, I have not found success. Success would be checking things off of my list; going back to pleasing the Only Judge I have that matters, and in doing that, finding peace.
I think I'll go back to doing that again for a while.


*Purple People Eaters really had nothing to do with this blog, but I really wanted to add them to my title, so I did.
Peace!